Story Fragments

Everybody Poops

This piece is part of a series of dialogues I’m working on between two characters. The others can be found at the links in these titles — "Steel Lady" and "Night Dreaming."

“That’s a reasonable point, but here is my question— do they poop?”

“Why does it matter if they poop? Seriously, why does it matter?”

“Because, you’re asking me to enter in to this world where people are bitten by dead people and reanimated in to dead people—”

Living dead people.”

“Fine. Whatever. The point is, I’m required to engage in such a massive scientific suspension of disbelief, literally across the board, I just want to know if they poop.”

“But you still haven’t answered my question. Why does it matter?”

“BECAUSE! They are literally mowing on innards on the regular. Like just straight devouring peoples entrails and what not. Devouring entire humans. Have you ever been to a Brazilian steakhouse?”

“Of course.”

“And did you eat more than usual? Or more than you might normally consume?”

“Oh, yes, absolutely. I actually loosened my belt like something out of a cartoon.”

“Exactly. That is my point. And afterwards, after all the meat sweats and regret and reevaluation of your life and your decisions, you probably took a massive shit. That is how that works.”

“Correct, sir. Several.”

“So if you eat an above average amount of meat and that happens, what happens when a zombie eats an entire human? Why aren’t we willing to cover off on that? Why isn’t Atlanta just straight up covered in zombie shit in the first season of walking dead? Why don’t we see a scene of a zombie getting cross-bowed while popping a squat?”

“Not artful? I don’t know. I mean, I’m not going to lie, I don’t really want to see that.”

“I don’t want to see it either. Really. I just want it to be addressed. What about the scientific rigor?”

“Seriously? You need zombies to take shits to get in to a show? You like plenty of shows where you’ve never seen the characters use the bathroom.”

“Yeah, and they’re less real to me.”

“I’ve never seen you poop. How do I even know you’re real?”

“You don’t. How do you feel about that? Now you’ll always wonder if I’m a cyborg, or a hallucination. A ghost, maybe. I bet Haley Joel Osmet never saw Bruce Willis drop one.”

“Fair points.”

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